onionbagblog
 
Bin There, Done That
Friday 11 January, 2008

Hi there [Lambeth Council knobbers]

My wheelie bin went missing overnight. It it possible to have a replacement please? This is the second time that this has happened in less than six months - very annoying!

Thanks

onionbagblogger

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Dear onionbagblogger

Thank you for your email.

It appears that your bin has been stolen by a member of the public, and we have now changed our procedure for the delivery of a replacement bin.

You will need to report this matter to your local police station, and they will then provide you with a CAD number. Unfortunately, without this number I am not able to order a wheelie bin.

We have had to take these steps for insurance purposes, as bins are stolen / lost on a regularl basis and we then have to claim some of the costs back from our insurance company.

I hope that you do understand, and once I have this number I can then proceed further.

Regards

Lambeth Council knobbers

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Dear Lambeth Council knobbers

My Council Tax bill was also in the bin that was stolen. Do I need to obtain a CAD number before I pay the bill?

Have you ever considered for what purpose 'members of the public steal bins' for? Maybe you haven't got enough bins in circulation.

You now place me in the precarious position of seriously considering breaking the law. An eye for an eye, a bin for a bin. It's got to be a lot easier than bothering the police, who I'm sure are more than busy around these parts.

Regards

onionbagblogger

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And so on Thursday afternoon, I risked being arrested, but not for theft of a wheelie bin. At first I was laughed out of Kennington Police station and cautioned about wasting valuable police time. I couldn't really argue against this.

But a very nice young Constable eventually took me seriously as I described the scene of crime.

'When did Sir last see the stolen item?'

'Um, I wasn't taking much notice to be honest. It doesn't hold a great deal of sentimental value.'

'Are there any distinctive marks on the missing item?'

'Well, a great big ugly swathe of paint depicting the house number for onionbagblog HQ II.'

'Has Sir noticed anyone behaving suspiciously outside the property of late?'

'Um, I did receive a visit from my local Lambeth Council knobber recently.'

CAD number obtained, new wheelie bin being ordered. The very nice young Constable from Kennington mentioned that he would check the CCTV, and suggested that I might be interested in signing up for a Victim Support Group. But I don't feel a victim - just a bit of a fraud for being forced by the Lambeth Council knobbers to waste police time.

And what does all of this say about the official crime figures? For a Rotten Borough that is often accused of massaging the figures, I find it strange that they now try to paint a picture of Lambeth as the Crime Capital of London - watch yer back, and yer wheelie bins.

And what if it wasn't actually 'theft?' Where's the evidence? You can't really finger print for pissheads in the early hours liberating a wheelie bin around Sunny Stockwell.

I'm back at Kennington Police station later this afternoon. I need to report the theft of all sense of perspective from the Lambeth Council knobbers.

*UPDATE*

onionbagblog changes Lambeth Council knobber policy shocker!

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Dear onionbagblogger

I am afraid that I am the officer responsible for insisting on a CAD number for every bin reported stolen. I had done this because it costs thousands of pounds every year to replace the many bins that residents report stolen, and I was firmly of the opinion that any crime or suspected crime should be reported to the police. However, your emails have helped me to see the possible folly of this policy and I am sorry for the hassle that you had to go through to order a new bin. I’ve decided to remove this burden from residents and we will make our own arrangements for reporting these thefts to the police in future.

Yours sincerely

Lambeth Council knobber

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