onionbagblog
3 is the Tragic Number
And so on a scale of 1-10, how shite is my mobile broadband connection with 3? Significantly less than the name of the silly company; somewhere around 40kbps, which is what my 'broadband' is picking up in central London right now. I posted to user groups at a faster pace back in the day on an old 56k dial up modem.
Yep, 3's mobile broadband is bollocks. Same goes for the crappy Carphone Warehouse along Oxford Street whoripped me off flogged me the dead dodo of a dongle. The dongle was fine (just) for the first few weeks of my eighteen-month contract at the end of April. I wouldn’t call it high-speed internet action, but LIVE! (knobber) blogging was just about possible from The Oval at around half a meg.
Recent weeks have been risible, as have the wasted hours clocked up calling the 'sourced-out' (utter shite) 'help' centre. I clocked 40kbps on Sunday night; forty-five minutes and all I got was Mr Google's welcoming white page. I didn't search for anything else for fear of taking out the entire modern interweb.
And so after having the luxury of a big fat corporate pipe all day on Monday (for work purposes, obviously,) I cycled off to Oxford Street early evening to confront Mr Carphone Warehouse.
I HATE cars; mobile phones mean little to me and the last place I want to purchase my technology products from is a fuck off warehouse.
See where I went wrong?
'I've got a problem with my mobile broadband. It may be mobile, but I'm afraid it's not broadband. One meg seems to be the agreed industry working definition.'
'Broadband speeds may vary, Sir.'
'But I haven't got broadband - I've got a mobile sub-dial up pace service. My eighteen month contract (sigh) said I will be provided with broadband.'
'Oh, um, I'll get one of my geeks (he actually said that!) to take a look, and rest assured Sir, we'll do everything to overcome this problem. We can also call up 3 for you.'
Great.
And so the geek led me down to the basement, but before he booted up, I had to remind him that any signal from deep down below on Oxford Street was likely to be even less than 40kbs (it may be only 40kbps, but hey - it's MY 40kbps.)
Geek agreed.
Mr Google loaded up about a minute later.
'There we go Sir - mobile broadband for you!' smiled the geek.
'Um, no. Not quite. Broadband shouldn't take more than a minute to display a text based, static web page. Please run a speed test.'
The geek wasn't a great geek to be honest. I had to navigate him to a friendly speed test page. The dial huffed and puffed through the various checks, leaving a central London speed of 0.4 megs. Significantly faster than my 40kbps, but still not technically broadband, as per the contract.
'See, I said. I'm paying for a non-existent broadband service.'
'Um, I'm just the geek! (he actually said that!) Let me talk with my manager.'
Geek disappeared, and then about five Mr Google download times later (Oxford Street speed,) he returned saying:
'My manager said broadband speeds may vary.'
'Yes, indeed they may,' I replied. 'But as you have just demonstrated, I technically haven't got broadband. Please may I speak with your manager.'
I felt quite sorry for geek, especially so when his manager appeared wearing buckles on his shoes. He may have failed the broadband speed test, but he ticked all the right boxes towards looking like a knobber.
'What appears to be the problem, Sir?'
'If you care to look at the screen, you'll see that you have sold me a package that doesn't match up with the contract. I'd like this problem to be resolved, else a refund please.'
'Ah, I'm afraid you'll have to speak with the 3 network Sir. They are at fault, not us.'
'But I have spoken to 3 and the (out-sourced) service centre told me to come to Oxford Street.'
Let's face it, it's the better option when compared to me going out to India.
'There's nothing I can do Sir. Broadband speeds...'
'Yes, I know - broadband speeds may VARY.'
Here's where it starts to get slightly interesting, if indeed talking to a knobber wearing buckled shoes about a buggered broadband connection on Oxford Street can ever become interesting.
Location, location, location etc, and we were standing next to the mobile broadband demonstration counter. Except it's not demonstrated, apart from a demo video on a screen, definitely not hooked up online.
A couple of lads were looking at the 3 deal and all set to sign up.
'Um, mate, over here,' I said. 'Forget that screen, take a look at this one. Here's the current in-store speed.'
0.4 megs.
'That's shit!' one of them said.
I nodded my head.
Sale lost.
'Security, please remove this gentleman from the store.'
'Eh? What?'
The security guy looked less secure than geek looked geeky. Putting it bluntly, if it came down to it, I could have him.
But I'm a lover, not a fighter. I prefer to talk these situations through. If that fails, then I lamp the geezer.
And so I started to talk.
RATHER LOUDLY.
'AND SO YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT AFTER HAVING SOLD ME A FAULTY BROADBAND PACKAGE THAT YOU AREN'T PREPARED TO REPLACE, I'M NOW BEING THREATENED IN THE STORE FOR OFFERING SOME CUSTOMER ADVICE?'
Yeah, I looked a bit of a knobber, the slightly eccentric Englishman, especially so wearing full lycra in central London. Shame there wasn't a lot of people around to watch the sideshow, as the store soon emptied as the nutter with the non-existent broadband had his say.
It's good to talk though. Buckle Boy agreed and said he would call 3 on my behalf and escalate the matter.
'I'm busy, so I'll do it in about half an hour, Sir.'
Fine. I had all the time. I took a seat on the counter, next to the mobile broadband demo screen, quite content to pass on my now considerable knowledge of the subject.
It didn't quite take half an hour; it took less than half a minute in fact. And the phone call never actually happened.
'Look Sir, I have to be honest with you - this product is SHITE (he actually said that!) We just sell it on. Have you got a USB extension lead at home?'
'You’re not going to say what I think you're about to say are you?' I asked.
But yeah, he said it:
'Why don't you dangle your dongle out of the window. It may improve the speed slightly.'
The honesty won me over. Plus I was shitting it slightly when Mr Security started to crack his knuckles in the now empty store.
And so there we have it: 3's mobile 'broadband' is officially shite. And so is Carphone Warehouse. I'm tied into the contract, the service is unlikely to improve and I'm left with my 40kbps (MY 40kbps, etc.)
It's all a supply and demand business for the knobber mobile networks. Offer the masses a cheap 'n cheerful deal, and then sort out the balls up of a congested network mess when the masses over-subscribe. You would have thought the Carphone Warehouse would have it's lesson after the high take up of 'free' (yeah, right) online access with Talk Talk..
Oh, and did I mention that my main broadband is also buggered? The Pipex blog post is for another day. And my mobile is throwing a wobbler.
I'm sticking to pen and paper publishing.
*seriously, if you've had similar woes, please link to this post. mr google is great like that. shame that I won't be able to access it*
technorati: 3 mobile broadband, carphone warehouse
| Monday 7 July, 2008 |
And so on a scale of 1-10, how shite is my mobile broadband connection with 3? Significantly less than the name of the silly company; somewhere around 40kbps, which is what my 'broadband' is picking up in central London right now. I posted to user groups at a faster pace back in the day on an old 56k dial up modem.
Yep, 3's mobile broadband is bollocks. Same goes for the crappy Carphone Warehouse along Oxford Street who
Recent weeks have been risible, as have the wasted hours clocked up calling the 'sourced-out' (utter shite) 'help' centre. I clocked 40kbps on Sunday night; forty-five minutes and all I got was Mr Google's welcoming white page. I didn't search for anything else for fear of taking out the entire modern interweb.
And so after having the luxury of a big fat corporate pipe all day on Monday (for work purposes, obviously,) I cycled off to Oxford Street early evening to confront Mr Carphone Warehouse.
I HATE cars; mobile phones mean little to me and the last place I want to purchase my technology products from is a fuck off warehouse.
See where I went wrong?
'I've got a problem with my mobile broadband. It may be mobile, but I'm afraid it's not broadband. One meg seems to be the agreed industry working definition.'
'Broadband speeds may vary, Sir.'
'But I haven't got broadband - I've got a mobile sub-dial up pace service. My eighteen month contract (sigh) said I will be provided with broadband.'
'Oh, um, I'll get one of my geeks (he actually said that!) to take a look, and rest assured Sir, we'll do everything to overcome this problem. We can also call up 3 for you.'
Great.
And so the geek led me down to the basement, but before he booted up, I had to remind him that any signal from deep down below on Oxford Street was likely to be even less than 40kbs (it may be only 40kbps, but hey - it's MY 40kbps.)
Geek agreed.
Mr Google loaded up about a minute later.
'There we go Sir - mobile broadband for you!' smiled the geek.
'Um, no. Not quite. Broadband shouldn't take more than a minute to display a text based, static web page. Please run a speed test.'
The geek wasn't a great geek to be honest. I had to navigate him to a friendly speed test page. The dial huffed and puffed through the various checks, leaving a central London speed of 0.4 megs. Significantly faster than my 40kbps, but still not technically broadband, as per the contract.
'See, I said. I'm paying for a non-existent broadband service.'
'Um, I'm just the geek! (he actually said that!) Let me talk with my manager.'
Geek disappeared, and then about five Mr Google download times later (Oxford Street speed,) he returned saying:
'My manager said broadband speeds may vary.'
'Yes, indeed they may,' I replied. 'But as you have just demonstrated, I technically haven't got broadband. Please may I speak with your manager.'
I felt quite sorry for geek, especially so when his manager appeared wearing buckles on his shoes. He may have failed the broadband speed test, but he ticked all the right boxes towards looking like a knobber.
'What appears to be the problem, Sir?'
'If you care to look at the screen, you'll see that you have sold me a package that doesn't match up with the contract. I'd like this problem to be resolved, else a refund please.'
'Ah, I'm afraid you'll have to speak with the 3 network Sir. They are at fault, not us.'
'But I have spoken to 3 and the (out-sourced) service centre told me to come to Oxford Street.'
Let's face it, it's the better option when compared to me going out to India.
'There's nothing I can do Sir. Broadband speeds...'
'Yes, I know - broadband speeds may VARY.'
Here's where it starts to get slightly interesting, if indeed talking to a knobber wearing buckled shoes about a buggered broadband connection on Oxford Street can ever become interesting.
Location, location, location etc, and we were standing next to the mobile broadband demonstration counter. Except it's not demonstrated, apart from a demo video on a screen, definitely not hooked up online.
A couple of lads were looking at the 3 deal and all set to sign up.
'Um, mate, over here,' I said. 'Forget that screen, take a look at this one. Here's the current in-store speed.'
0.4 megs.
'That's shit!' one of them said.
I nodded my head.
Sale lost.
'Security, please remove this gentleman from the store.'
'Eh? What?'
The security guy looked less secure than geek looked geeky. Putting it bluntly, if it came down to it, I could have him.
But I'm a lover, not a fighter. I prefer to talk these situations through. If that fails, then I lamp the geezer.
And so I started to talk.
RATHER LOUDLY.
'AND SO YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT AFTER HAVING SOLD ME A FAULTY BROADBAND PACKAGE THAT YOU AREN'T PREPARED TO REPLACE, I'M NOW BEING THREATENED IN THE STORE FOR OFFERING SOME CUSTOMER ADVICE?'
Yeah, I looked a bit of a knobber, the slightly eccentric Englishman, especially so wearing full lycra in central London. Shame there wasn't a lot of people around to watch the sideshow, as the store soon emptied as the nutter with the non-existent broadband had his say.
It's good to talk though. Buckle Boy agreed and said he would call 3 on my behalf and escalate the matter.
'I'm busy, so I'll do it in about half an hour, Sir.'
Fine. I had all the time. I took a seat on the counter, next to the mobile broadband demo screen, quite content to pass on my now considerable knowledge of the subject.
It didn't quite take half an hour; it took less than half a minute in fact. And the phone call never actually happened.
'Look Sir, I have to be honest with you - this product is SHITE (he actually said that!) We just sell it on. Have you got a USB extension lead at home?'
'You’re not going to say what I think you're about to say are you?' I asked.
But yeah, he said it:
'Why don't you dangle your dongle out of the window. It may improve the speed slightly.'
The honesty won me over. Plus I was shitting it slightly when Mr Security started to crack his knuckles in the now empty store.
And so there we have it: 3's mobile 'broadband' is officially shite. And so is Carphone Warehouse. I'm tied into the contract, the service is unlikely to improve and I'm left with my 40kbps (MY 40kbps, etc.)
It's all a supply and demand business for the knobber mobile networks. Offer the masses a cheap 'n cheerful deal, and then sort out the balls up of a congested network mess when the masses over-subscribe. You would have thought the Carphone Warehouse would have it's lesson after the high take up of 'free' (yeah, right) online access with Talk Talk..
Oh, and did I mention that my main broadband is also buggered? The Pipex blog post is for another day. And my mobile is throwing a wobbler.
I'm sticking to pen and paper publishing.
*seriously, if you've had similar woes, please link to this post. mr google is great like that. shame that I won't be able to access it*
technorati: 3 mobile broadband, carphone warehouse
| #permalink |
